


suddenly, none of this is a game anymore

by kingley (Kingley)



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-09 10:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8888152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingley/pseuds/kingley
Summary: "What ever happened to love?" Chaeyoung mutters carelessly.





	1. I can't stop this trembling

**Author's Note:**

> Not real. 
> 
> EDIT: I realized that this was kind of hard to understand without some context. Mina said in an interview that she wanted to date Chaeyoung. Later, Chaeyoung confessed on stage at a fan meeting that she would like to date Mina. There are many videos for reference.

Chaeyoung is feeling far too confused.

 

Mina had sparked something within her that she didn't understand, and suddenly, it was gone. It had been a roaring flame that scorched every inch of her body. Like a match, it flickered off to a smoldering end.  

 

Chaeyoung still has blisters from the burns. 

 

~*~

 

She hadn't known she could even feel this way. Every touch and every glance was seared into her mind. 

 

Mina had said she wanted to date her. It all felt like a joke. Chaeyoung had even laughed. It was just a stupid interview.

 

It wasn't funny anymore. 

 

It had felt so  _real_. The way Mina looked at her. Touched her. Spoke to her. 

 

Like a light in the dark, Mina seemed to lure her in so gently. It had been so simple. Obvious. 

 

The light went out, and Chaeyoung was left sitting in the dark.

 

~*~

 

She'd felt so ridiculous. Of course it was meant to be a joke! Something you played around with and then dropped. It wasn't meant to scar. It wasn't meant to leave her aching for heat, warmth, anything!

 

Mina had twirled in her seat so nonchalantly as Chaeyoung had confessed. It had been so embarrassing! How stupid had she looked? 

 

Clinging onto a joke, hoping to ignite a soggy match that had once caused a wildfire. Cigarettes burned out and left ashes. 

 

What idiot clings onto ashes? 

 

~*~

 

"Chaeyoung! Chaeyoung-ah!" Chaeyoung awakens to Nayeon roughly shaking her shoulders. The image of her frowning, pale face is illuminated by the car's light. 

 

"C'mon, Dwarf! We're back at the dorm. You can even sleep in my bed tonight." Nayeon winks at her. Chaeyoung shakes her head, feigning exasperation. 

 

"Fine, if you  _really_  want me to, I guess I can sleep with you tonight..." Nayeon rolls her eyes. 

 

"Okay, Prince Charming, let's go." 

 

They stumble into the dorm, exhaustion pulling at their feet. Dahyun races into the bathroom, ignoring Sana's screech to let her in first. Momo simply knocks and asks to shower with her. She disappears into the restroom as well. 

 

Chaeyoung remembers how they had showered together during their debut. It had been strange at first, but efficient and at times relaxing. Now, it was a time to bond. 

 

Chaeyoung had never actually showered with Mina before. She tries not to read into it too much. 

 

"Chaeng, I was serious about you sleeping with me, you know? I know you're older, but if you ever need to, don't ever feel like you can't ask," Nayeon assures, patting her back. Her eyes seem to glow with kindness. In moments like this, she's glad she has unnies that love her so much. 

 

"Mm," Chaeyoung nods, a toothy grin on her face. 

 

~*~

 

She is fresh out of the shower, a damp towel around her shoulders. 

 

It's refreshing, but the chill of the night has her moving quickly. 

 

In her haste, she bumps into Jihyo. 

 

"Ah, sorry," she apologizes. Jihyo laughs, a sweet smile on her face. 

 

"No problem. Sleep well, Chaengie," she says, pinching her cheek. Chaeyoung chuckles, continuing on her way.

 

She makes it to her room and pauses.  Nayeon shared a room with Mina and Jungyeon. Should she?

 

~*~

 

She seems to stumble a bit. Her eyes adjust to the darkness. She recalls Nayeon being on the right.

 

"...Chaeyoung?" a disembodied voice groggily whispers. 

 

"Unnie, scoot over," she requests, sliding onto the bed. 

 

Nayeon curls around her, pulling her into her arms. 

 

Chaeyoung snuggles deeper, sighing. 

 

~*~

 

She awakens to birds chirping. The room is empty. Schedules have been cleared for this day. 

 

Nayeon's side of the bed is still warm. 

 

Sleep in, or get up?

 

Her eyes grow heavy with thought. 

 

~*~

 

She wakes up to someone hovering over her.

 

"Holy crap!" she shrieks, falling off of the bed. 

 

"I'm so sorry!" Mina apologizes, trying to help her up. 

 

 Chaeyoung is unceremoniously dragged to her feet, blankets pooled on the floor. 

 

"Why were you just watching me sleep?" Chaeyoung interrogates, her face feeling hot. Mina shakes her head rapidly. 

 

"I wasn't! I came in for my phone but you were just sleeping there so I  _glanced_ -"

 

"That seemed like a long glance!" 

 

"But I -" 

 

The door pops open.

 

"Guys? Everything all right there?" Jungyeon questions, head poking in. 

 

"Yeah," Chaeyoung says, face still burning, "What's there to eat, unnie?" 

 

She hurries out of the room before she can respond. 

 

Mina stares at her back.

~*~

Sometimes, even after many hours, flames can rekindle into something dangerous.

 

It starts out slowly, as these things usually do. 

 

Chaeyoung hates herself more than ever. 

~*~

 She never wanted to feel like this again.

 

Mina stares at her longer than usual. Usual being completely ignoring her. 

 

It's so odd. She'd yearned for her attention for so long and now...

 

Chaeyoung pretends not to notice.

 

~*~

 

How long could you ignore a fire until it began to engulf all things surrounding it?

 

~*~

 

Chaeyoung hopes the infatuation will leave as quickly as it had before. Her hopes had been too high. 

 

She's changed. She couldn't allow herself to be embarrassed again. 

 

Mina seems different as well. 

 

~*~

 

"What ever happened to love?" Chaeyoung mutters carelessly. She nearly changes the channel when Nayeon sits beside her. 

 

"What do you mean?" she asks. Her arm slings around Chaeyoung's shoulder. 

 

"What?"

 

"You said something about love. What do you mean?" 

 

Chaeyoung curls her hands, the fabric of her pants scrunching in her fingers. 

 

"I just meant this show is stupid. He said he loved her, but then he goes and chases after other girls right in front of her."

 

Nayeon hums.

 

"He has to get her attention. She hasn't taken him seriously enough," Nayeon explains. 

 

"Yeah, but doing something like that will just make her think he's even less serious."

 

"That's the point. She's supposed to chase after him." 

 

Chaeyoung exhales. 

 

"This is still a dumb show."

 

~*~

 

She'd chased harder than she's ever chased.

 

And what came of it?

 

~*~

 

"Who wants shaved ice!" Dahyun screams. 

 

Everyone turns their heads.

 

"It's like zero degrees right now," Jihyo points out uselessly. 

 

"Yeah, but who wants shaved ice?" Dahyun repeats in a slow voice. 

 

They all hurry to get their coats on. 

 

~*~

 

A spoon is raised to her face. 

 

"Want some?" Tzuyu asks, big eyes blinking. 

 

"Oh, I don't like green tea. Thanks though," Chaeyoung rejects with a small shake of her head. 

 

"How about mine?" Jungyeon interjects. 

 

Chaeyoung glances at her spoon. 

 

"Cookies and cream... I'm okay, thanks, unnie." 

 

Mina raises up her cup.

 

Strawberry. 

 

"Try mine?" She tilts her head, bangs covering her face.

 

Chaeyoung is stricken with nostalgia. The pretty girl that hid behind her hair, saying she likes her.

 

"Okay." She lifts her spoon, but Mina offers hers instead. 

 

"Here," Mina says, sliding it into her mouth. 

 

It's tart and sweet.

 

"Thanks," she mumbles around the spoon. 

 

Jungyeon and Tzuyu sulk playfully. 

~*~

 

Chaeyoung breathes in the lingering fumes of smoke. 

 

~*~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. I wanna throw my all into your fiery path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not real.

Chaeyoung feels like dying. 

 

"Unnie, please. I can't do this anymore. I feel like my heart is about to explode," she whines. 

 

Momo frowns from her seat on a bicycle machine. She checks her watch. 

 

"Chaeyoung, you've only been on the treadmill for a minute." 

 

"A minute too long..."

 

"You're ridiculous," Momo sighs, shaking her head. Chaeyoung pouts. She hated working out with Momo! If Nayeon were here, they'd be eating snacks on the weight benches.

 

~*~

 

Chaeyoung relaxes against her desk. 

 

There was nothing to do. Nothing to feel. Why was having a break from work suddenly so boring? 

 

A knock echoes throughout her room. Who knocks in this dorm?

 

"Chaeyoung?" 

 

"Come in," she answers. Her voice cracks. 

 

Mina sits down on the bed. The springs creak. 

 

"Are you okay?" she asks finally. Chaeyoung's ears grow hot. 

 

She can only bear to nod. 

 

"You seem off lately. I wonder if it's my fault," Mina says with a tilt of her head. 

 

Chaeyoung's throat seems to close. She looks back to her textbook, taunting and open.

 

"I knew it," Mina mumbles. "Chaeyoung, you thought I was serious, didn't you?"

 

~*~

Everything burns.

~*~

 

"Chaeyoung, being an idol is a game. Manager-nim told me what to do. I thought you knew? Fan service is natural during debut. I'm sorry for deceiving you." Mina's stare never wavers. Chaeyoung clenches her hands, nails digging deep. The running heater only seems to suffocate her more. 

 

"Don't be sorry. It was my fault, unnie," Chaeyoung manages to choke out. Tears fall without her consent. Arms wrap around her; Chaeyoung's head is tucked into the crook of Mina's neck.  She trembles, caught between wanting to pull away or stay. 

 

"I'm sorry," Chaeyoung chants over and over, body shaking. 

 

Mina doesn't wince as fingernails dig into her shoulder. 

 

~*~

 

 

Chaeyoung is careful with her heart.

 

Her mother had warned her of such things.

 

Boys were dangerous.

 

Mina was something else entirely.

 

~*~ 

 

Chaeyoung is left in a fog of embarrassment and sadness. She is barely able to finish the dance routine without collapsing. The weight of despair hangs heavy on her shoulders.

 

Nayeon comes to sit beside her with a towel. She dabs at the sweat on Chaeyoung's neck.

 

"Come on, Dwarf. You're off your game today."

 

It feels good to have someone so close to her. Her hearts seems to stop hurting for these small seconds. 

 

"Yeah, sorry," Chaeyoung sighs, pursing her lips. It's alarming. 

 

Nayeon squints her eyes.

 

"Chaeyoung?"

 

"It's nothing, unnie."

 

~*~

 What was meant to happen? What was she meant to do?

 

She is supposed to be happy. Nothing feels right. The way her clothes fit, the way her hair fell, the way her skin crawls. She is sick. Chaeyoung tried to ignore how awful she feels. It just doesn't work. Every second is painful and cringe inducing. She was some creep that took a joke too far. Mina isn't gay. No one in the group is gay! Was she?

 

An epiphany is triggered. Chaeyoung is gay. She is gay and all that skinship had meant something. 

 

How could she glaze over such a stark fact?

 

Chaeyoung is suddenly scared. What if they found out? What if Mina told them? Who would trust her? Would they think that every moment in the dressing room was an invasion of their body?

Every shower? Every kiss and every hug?

 

She clenches her fists, nails digging deep.

 

~*~

 

Chaeyoung shuts the door, tight. There was no way anyone could accuse her of anything if all she did after schedules was shower and sleep. The days seem to drag on. She has only had brief conversations with Nayeon for the past month. None of the members question her, dizzy and tired from work. Everyone had their ways of coping, and they assume that this was hers. 

 

Life is calm.

 

~*~

Momo bumps into her, and she flinches.

 

She  _flinches._

 

"Maknae?" Momo asks, eyes wide. 

 

"Reflex," she mutters with her head down. Momo only frowns and raises a hand to pat her head.

 

"Chaeyoung, tell me when you're ready." She walks off to finish the shoot.

 

Chaeyoung is left feeling cold.

 

Did she know?

 

~*~

 

Chaeyoung finds herself closing off. It was better this way. 

 

She has not spoken to Mina in two months now. The other members have not touched even a hair on her head. She was determined now.

 

No one would see her heart until Twice was but a memory that left a tinge of bitterness in the back of the throat.

 

~*~

 

Fire is not easily extinguished. 

 

~*~

 

It's at a fan meet when things grow difficult. Mina's eyes seem to follow her around once more.

 

She knows better than to get her hopes up. 

 

Did the manager tell her to do this? To look at her so intensely?

 

Chaeyoung truly pays no mind this time. 

 

~*~

 

"Chaeyoung, what are you doing?" Mina's eyebrows are furrowed. It is the closest expression to anger that Chaeyoung has seen on her face. She hasn't really been looking recently.

 

"What?" Chaeyoung questions. She bookmarks her textbook and swivels around to face her. Mina exhales and says,

 

"You're mad at me, I understand, but the other girls haven't done anything. Don't shut them out." 

 

"I'm not doing this because I'm mad." Mina straightens.

 

"Why then?" Chaeyoung smiles, her hands tightening against her pants.

 

"You showed me the truth, and I can't have anyone thinking I'm some pervert."

 

"Pervert? Chaeyoung, what are you talking about?"

 

"I don't want them to think that this whole time I've been getting off on them! Don't you get it? I'm gay! What will they think? We've changed together, showered together? What will they think when they realize what I am?" 

 

Chaeyoung exhales heavily. She begins to shake. Mina takes a step forward and - 

 

Chaeyoung swivels her chair back around.

 

"You should go," she mutters. 

 

Chaeyoung is not disappointed when the door shuts.

 

Honestly.

 

 

~*~

 

Then Mina kisses her and there is no going back.

 

~*~

 

Chaeyoung had stayed behind in the studio. Sweat drips down her neck. 

 

Her face looks gaunt as she glances in the mirror. When was the last time she'd eaten? It didn't matter.

 

Mina had walked in with a stormy look in her eyes. 

 

"You shouldn't be up still." Chaeyoung laughs without mirth. 

 

"Same goes for you. Go to the dorms, unnie. I'll be out in a minute and -"

 

Mina shoves her into the mirrors and presses their lips together.

 

Chayeoung's eyes widen as she pushes her away.

 

"What are you doing!?"

 

Mina runs, and Chaeyoung wipes at her mouth, trying desperately to forget the taste of fire. 

 

~*~

 

It haunts her. Why had Mina done it? What was going on?

 

There were no cameras to see. No one to watch. 

 

Who was she trying to fool? Chaeyoung? 

 

Herself?

 

~*~

 

Promotions are over. They are preparing for their Christmas debut. Chaeyoung spends long nights in the dance studio. 

 

"Hey, you're here too often," a voice says.

 

She freezes completely. Was that? 

 

"What?"

 

"You're here too often," Yubin repeats. Her eyes are curved into a smile. She was teasing her. 

 

Chaeyoung smiles back politely. 

 

"Not too much of a talker?"

 

Chaeyoung shrugs.

 

"That answers it," Yubin says with a grin. 

 

~*~

 

Yubin and Chaeyoung form a strange bond. Yubin watches her and critiques her dancing while Chaeyoung simply stays quiet. 

 

It continues for weeks until Yubin finally says something of value.

 

"There's someone you like, isn't there?"

 

Chaeyoung pauses, breathing heavily in front of the mirrors.

 

"Hm?"

 

"Don't play dumb. It's that girl, isn't it? The one who said she wanted to date you?"

 

Yubin seemed to be a bigger fan than she let on. 

 

"I -"

 

"Don't think you're the only one." Chaeyoung shakes her head.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Sunye is what I mean. I liked her. I thought she liked me. Then, she leaves and gets married." Chaeyoung gapes. She hadn't thought of that at all.  

 

"You said something, didn't you?" Yubin continues. 

 

Chaeyoung keeps quiet.

 

"You want to know something? Come with me to Itaewon on your next break from schedule. I'll show you everything," she finishes.

 

Chaeyoung is left staring at herself.

 

~*~

 

Yubin brings her to a nightclub. A gay nightclub. It's truly shocking.

 

"Everyone here is sworn to secrecy. This is where all the idols with a certain _preference_  go. 

 

 "... so everyone's gay?" Chaeyoung questions.

 

"Yeah, basically. Or well, I'm sure there's people on the whole spectrum but to keep it simple, yeah."

 

She turns around and spots Key and Moonbyul, sharing a large bottle of champagne. 

 

Everywhere she looks, there's an idol.

 

Was that... Jessica Jung?

 

"Yeah, some people here have had some real issues when coming out," Yubin explains after following her gaze.

 

 

"So, she was kicked out when she -"

 

"Yeah," Yubin interjects. Her eyes grow cloudy. Chaeyoung frowns.

 

"Okay, well, what's the point in you bringing me here?"

 

"Comfort. Hope. Romance," Yubin says as she waggles her brows.

 

"There's a three year -"

 

"Suggestion. That's just a suggestion for those who don't know how to keep a secret," she corrects. The music bumps loudly, reverberating inside Chaeyoung's chest. Suddenly, Chaeyoung is liberated. Free.

 

"I -"

 

"Yubin!" a voice calls.

 

"Hani!" 

 

"And... ah, Chaeyoung-shi? I remember you!" Hani greets. There's a huge smile on her face. Chaeyoung grins back.

 

~*~

 

It's at around 11 pm when Chaeyoung grows tired. Hani notices, pulling out her cellphone.

 

"Want to take a picture to commemorate?"

 

Chaeyoung pauses. What if people noticed that they were at a gay club?

 

Hani senses her apprehension.

 

"I won't tag the location. Just take it with me, okay?"

 

~*~

 

Chaeyoung arrives at the dorm near two am.

 

She knows she shouldn't have stayed out so late, but all the girls knew she was out with Yubin. None of them truly worried as they trusted their sunbae to keep her safe. 

 

All except Mina.

 

She sat at the kitchen table, arms crossed.

 

Chaeyoung freezes before mustering out a small grin. 

 

Mina simply stares back.

 

 She slowly walks into her room. 

 

She hears the light flick off, and a door closes. 

 

~*~

 

"Oooh, someone's friendly," Nayeon teases the next day. Chaeyoung feels better than she's felt in a long time. Yesterday had vanquished all her negative thoughts. 

 

Nayeon pulls up her photo with Hani.

 

"You're friends with her?"

 

Chaeyoung shrugs and smiles. Tzuyu gets up to put her bowl of cereal away. They load up into the car. 

 

~*~

 

As Christmas nears, Chaeyoung finds herself happier than ever. Yubin had freed her from her own mind.

 

The car stops by a street vendor. 

 

Everyone pairs up, and Mina falls behind. Chaeyoung huffs out a deep breath. She walks up to Mina and takes her hand.

 

"Unnie, let's get something delicious." Mina's mouth falls slightly before it morphs into a smile. 

 

For that day, everything seems to pass. The year was ending as did the painful awkwardness and fear that permeated their relationship. 

 

~*~

 

"So you what?" Chaeyoung laughs with her phone to her ear.

 

"No way! You didn't... oh my god!" 

 

"Chaeyoung?" Mina asks, standing at the doorway of the living room.

 

Chaeyoung mouths a greeting to her while continuing her conversation. Mina's brow seems to furrow. 

 

She simply sits on the couch beside her and waits. 

 

"Unnie, I have to go. Yes, talk to you later!" she clicks the red button and waits a beat before turning to Mina.

 

"Hani?" Mina prompts.

 

Chaeyoung nods.

 

"So, what's up?"

 

"You don't like her, do you?" Mina questions suddenly.

 

"Hani? Like, like her? No, unnie. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I like every girl that I talk to," Chaeyoung says boldly. Mina frowns.

 

"That's not what I meant," Mina clarifies. Chaeyoung frowns as well.

 

"Then what did you mean?" 

 

"I mean, you still like me, right?" 

 

Chaeyoung's widen. What was happening? 

 

She did still like her though. 

 

"I guess, but it's just a dumb crush." 

 

Mina's face falls.

 

"So, if I kissed you, you wouldn't like it?" Mina whispers. 

 

"Well," Chaeyoung reddens. "I never said that."

 

Mina seems to make up her mind.

 

She leans forward and places the chastest of kisses on her lips. Mina pulls away but only to hug her. 

 

"Chaeyoung, I like you a lot. I was being so ridiculous and stupid and -" Chaeyoung pushes away from the embrace to kiss her once more.

 

"Stop," she says as she halts the kiss, "unnie, I don't care anymore. You like me, and I like you. That's it." 

 

Mina eyes water. Chaeyoung snickers.

 

"Unnie, come on now!" she chides as she pokes her ribs. 

 

They kiss and kiss until all of her tears dry up.

 

~*~

 

"So," Nayeon says, "when were you going to tell me that you and Mina were dating?"

 

Chaeyoung stiffens.

 

"Don't act so scared! I think you guys are cute," Nayeon reassures, slapping her back.

 

Chaeyoung glances at all of her members crowding against the Christmas tree to unwrap their gifts.

 

"We are pretty cute, aren't we?" she smiles, looking at Mina's sulking face as she unwraps the coal she's given her as a gag.

 

"Chaeyoung!" Mina shouts in anger.

 

~*~

Sometimes, wildfires were needed. They brought life after destruction. 

~*~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
